Yipee..its the first day of 2008!I am really excited because it means I have a new year to start all things new!And I thank God for bringing me to 2008 with such grace..because for the past few days leading towards the countdown of the year,I was still pretty much stuck in the muddy pit!
The leadership retreat on sat helped me a great deal.I was feeling so uptight and was in denial of my crappy situation.Although everyone's spirit was happy and cheery,I was cracking a smile here and there.But late in the night around 12 midnight,Gavin played a DVD for all of us. WoW!The message I got out of it was just mind-blowing!It awakens me from the sinking problem I have been going through.
Talking about identifying light and darkness,growing of a seed and other interesting tidbits of the Word of GOD.I can so relate to it because I have been getting hints and messages of all these from GOD for the longest time. Yet I chose to ignore and be stubborn. The message of that disc was How to change your season!With super cool analogy,conviction began to rise in my heart.It talked about how eagles of GOD must get out of its comfort zone to soar to greater heights.How it will hinder your growth if you continue to stay with chickens who cant fly.Or weasels which will latch on to you,eat you alive and hold you back.And its important for the eagle to be united and in communion with other eagles.For they encourage,spur and motivate one another to get even better!
I cried because God is so loving and honest,He was already helping me but I still didnt want to leave the comfort zone that will oneday be teared down.Then I decided I must stop meeting the guy,not pick up his calls,not reply his msges.So around 3 am before I went to bed,I checked my phone and saw his number.Guess what,I called him back.I even met up with him in the evening after the retreat.Yeah..whats with my self control?whats with my obedience?
The night ended with stoned faces because once again,we had issues never to be solved because we have so different values.Its super dry for me because not only do I have to go on lying to myself that things might work,he didnt mean it,its my fault or something, I have to face the guilt of constantly breaking my promises to GOD.
And the mass I attended challenges me even further because I asked God,Please I pray for strength to say NO.And GOD replied,I wont throw strength at you but I will give you the opportunity to be strong and say NO.
I guess God already knew I will fail and give in again.So He blessed with an opportunity to meet the guy on the eve of new year.Honestly speaking,it's one of the worse and most painful nights ever.We argued,quarrelled,disagreed and at the end of the day.I gave up.
I finally had courage to admit that I was scared of being lonely,about how I have already stopped believing in us,how I am drained from lying about the relationship from my family and friends,how I can never see a future between us,how I am ashamed of talking about God to him and how I have lost confidence in us.With that,it ended with truth now exposed.He was taken aback from all these,because I never dare shared what I really feel because the truth is I have walked away a long time ago.
I stayed on because I had fear and low self confidence.
And now its time I face my inner being and rebuke them in Jesus name."Dear God,what a relief,what a relief!Thank you for letting me speak my deepest thoughts despite knowing it's depressing ending.Thank you for letting me face my fear and worries.This cycle is destroyed because of the strength you blessed me with.I know for the past whole year,you have stick with me in it and have been helping me.Just that I was blinded by my own selfishness and my own wants.I pray for this first day of the new year and days to come,to inspire me to be more of you, God and less of myself.Amen!"
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