This week has been a depressing one for me. I do not understand why i just sink into this sadness and emptiness in an off and on mode. I pray, i read the bible, books and always talk to God,yet this feeling always seems to float back in my mind. Even my parents wondered what is wrong with me.
Hai..sigh..whine..sulk...i did it all. I tried being smiley and cheerful yet it seems fake to me. And lately ive been havin alot of dreams of my past. Sad memories follows me in every step i take in my week. I am even thinking of not going for cell this week. How can i help in leading worship in this state. I just wana bury at home and do spring cleaning. Everthing is soo fiesty dirty and pilled up that it envelops my own self.
Why.why.why does this feeling not seem to go away. I praise God, i thank God, I talk to him yet im still like this. argh. I read somewhere..that "God views us through our future. We view ourselves from our past." We look at our failures and the way we are at this every moment. God looks at us the way He made us to be. He sees the end result.
God is God when things are bad as well as when they are good, when it is dark as well as when it is light. Sometimes the darkness around us is not a darkness of death but rather a darkness like in a womb, where we are growing and being made ready for birth. Just as a child in the womb knows nothing of the world waiting for him, so i do not realise the greatness of God's purpose for me.
Certain valuable experiences in the Lord can only be found in the dark times. It is only a season of the soul. This is a very good reminder for me. Part of standing strong in times of unanswered prayer is waiting, and waiting produces patience. The bible says, " In your patience possess your souls" (Luke 21:19) When one is patient, one is able to take control of your very being and place oneself in God's hands. He, then is in control whether it is night or day in your soul. He becomes God to you in every season of your life-the good and the bad. And because you know Him that way, you become unshakable.
To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
......a time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance.
Eccl 3:1,4
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