"In fashion, one day you are in and one day you are out." the voice of heidi klum echoes through the tv screen. In life, i am often trapped in this battle between being a winner or loser. I will put on my armour and fight the war of fame but end up being so worn out or even give up eventually. Especially in the fashion business, one has to be have the the charm, the wits and the ability to PR to get noticed. You may have tonnes of talents but somehow if you dun have luck, you are as good as being a dresser backstage.
I had my fair share of being accepted,wanted,appreciated and demanded in the industry. And of course the nasty bits as well. But all these are seriously just 5 mins of fame. What do i mean?Because i will never understand what people want from me as i try to give them what they want. In turn, i try to be this perfect miss fashion girl to gain their liking and how wrong was i.
The lie i believed when i strive for perfection is," Ive got to be perfect in order to be acceptable to myself and to others." But in reality, the more perfect we try to make ourselves,the more uncomfortable we are to be around. Because, in their eyes, i am never good enough for them. The designs i draw is so last season, the clothes i pick for the shoot does not make a good fashion story, the way i speak to the photographer is too childish...and lots more.
I end up feeling lousy or totally small. Even in all the design competition i took part, i never won a single prize,whereas my friends get all the glory. I often ask God, why do i have to face this shit, why am i always looking like a loser when i tried so hard and did my best. The greed in me piles up and pride took over me. Many times, in our flesh, we strive to succeed. We feel we are worth something when we win, worthless when we lose. What we demand of ourselves is always limited by the outer layer. Human perfection can only as good as that.
The fear of failure was not humility but it was pride. I felt that i deserved to be prominent but my pride made me more susceptible to failure because i didnt have God's help. Pride leads to death because it doesnt allow for God's grace.
Pride comes from being afraid that you have no value as a person. Pride says," I have to be great because I fear I'll be nothing." At the opposite extreme is the though,"If i cant be the best, then i'll be the worst. If i cant make people love me, then i'll make them hate me." Gosh, all these are thoughts that have creeped into my life at many points of time.
It takes alot of healing to come from feeling like a nothing to accepting my worth in Jesus, then admitting that apart from God I am nothing. But when i do that, God will lead me to greatness. I am still clinging on, still holding on and believing in all the goodness and treasures of God.
"Dear Lord, I pray for a humble heart as i come before you as a sinner. I believe that I will be washed anew of my sins and make clean and pure in your name! I constantly pray for your mercy and grace upon my wavering heart and set my soul on firm roots of your everlasting kingdom. I love you, Abba and I need you. Hold me tightly in your embrace as i weep and find my joy in your fatherly love."
It is God who arms me with strength,
And make my way perfect,
Psalm 18:32
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