Thought I found a future in us,but sin came in as a barrier...
I want to close this chapter and really move on...
Remember the post(washed anew over and over again on thurs nov 22?)I was talking about an incident that was making me feel trapped yet happy?Maybe some of you might have guessed it right.It was regarding the guy that I like,my ex.
He came back into my life after a beautiful surprise on my birthday.We chatted over many issues that was bothering us and I really believed it helped us understand each other even more.I told him how much I desire a man who loves God too,and he told me to give us a chance.Things went on really sweet and great for the next couple of weeks.
Until sin came into the rosy picture.There I was plagued down by guilt,shame and disappointment in myself,i started to drift away from God.Confession after confession I did,yet this horrible feeling sticks to me like a glue.Fast forward to last saturday,when I attended spiritual prep for ministering,I was scared to my wits.
Never have I been frightful of facing God or going for any prayer meets.But that sat,together with my unwell body.I chickened out.In that hour or so of prayer,i slipped out of the session hall either for toilet breaks or just to wander around the floors of CSC.Basically,i was running away and I did not dare face God.So instead,I went to ado room and prayed.I asked God to love me,to tell me that I am clean in his name and left the room still feeling like crap.
Next,I sat on a bench and stared aimlessly in the night sky.Just then,God spoke to me.He showed me the darkness on one corner and said,"Why be in darkness,where you will never find your way out?Here I have shown you the light,so that you may walk in freedom and truth."I broke down and continued to be in denial.
I stepped back into the session room and music of God's love surrounded me.Just then,jane came up to me with a warm hug and words of love from God.I ran out of the room as fast as my legs could carry.I hid in a corner of CSC and started crying out loud.But still I didnt dare to face God. By the time I got back into the room,ministering time was over.I was not relieved but felt rather regrettful.I made my way to the back of the room and noticed a lady in her forties calm and composed.I decided to pick up courage and asked her to pray for me.
With a delightful smile,she agreed.As she lay her hands on me,I trembled and wept.Before I could tell her what was wrong with me,God's word of wisdom prompted her to ask me a question."Have you ever been deserted by someone?"
This brought back flashbacks of the car accident.The feeling of being nelgected and viewed not worthy in the eyes of the person I love.This pain is so indescribable.Still,I felt so trapped because I didnt know what to do.As I quote from the bible somewhere."If your right hand hurts,chop it off." I was not ready to do so,because i really wish a miracle could happen between me and the guy.
Throughout the whole week I was hospitalised,the guy came to visit me.But i could sensed his mind and heart elsewhere whenever i talk,sms or see him.And I guess God really answered my prayers for a closure or a solution in this situation.Yesterday for mass,Father thomas said in his homily,"Cut the tree if it does not bear fruit."
And so we chatted at night and he finds it frustrating because I am asking too much out of him.He was honest to admit that he finds it hard and have thoughts of walking away from the problem.Once again,I can feel a sword piercing through my heart but now I really know he does not truly love and cherish me. This end I painfully accept and no matter how long is takes for me to brace myself up,I know I will pick up the train of my dress,dust off the dirt and run towards Daddy God.For God's love is ever lasting.
"Dear Abba,you know the pain I am going through now.The hurt,disappointment and empty promises thrown on my face.Please comfort me,give me strength and love to continue this journey with you.Let me not see what is happening now but rather look forward to the happiness and joy you will offer me at my finishing line.Your grace is sufficient and ever forgiving.Wash me clean and make me pure.Mother mary,I pray for the peace of joy in my heart,at rejoicing at the truth that has now set me free.Asking all these in Jesus's name,Amen."
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